


Required Reading

by copperbadge



Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Demon Deals, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-05-23
Updated: 2008-05-23
Packaged: 2017-12-09 05:36:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/770601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/copperbadge/pseuds/copperbadge
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Aziraphael has a book recommendation for young demonologists everywhere.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Required Reading

"You really should read the book first."

The young man -- young, unwashed, rather pale and overly given to wearing black, it appeared -- glared sullenly at Aziraphael. 

"Which one? I thought I'd read them all," he said, waving a black-nail-varnished hand at the wall of demonology books behind him.

"THE Book," Aziraphael replied. "You know. Before you go mucking about with demons. Just so you know what you're up against."

"I can handle a demon!"

"You can't even summon a demon, my dear boy. Now, fix us a cup of tea."

The boy looked astonished. "Don't you want my immortal soul?"

Aziraphael sighed. He had been summoned from a very good dinner at the Ritz and he was now sitting on cold wooden floorboards, arguing with a teenage poseur. He mostly wanted to slap the child. "I told you. I'm an angel. Of course I want your immortal soul, but I'm not going to bribe you in order to get it. You'll have to wait your turn like everyone else."

"Hell sounds like more fun."

Aziraphael hated that statement. Mostly because it was, in some small way, true. All the really good musicians and poets were there. 

"Well, I suppose there's some celebrity if you manage to get Satan to gnaw on your head," he allowed. "Tea?"

The command was so imperious that the boy actually went to a little electric kettle that was sitting next to a large plastic skull (covered with dribbly candles) and started making some.

"Which book are you talking about, anyhow?" he asked, still sulking.

"Why, the bible, dear boy."

The kid laughed. "The bible? Are you kidding?"

"Dear me, no. I don't know what you children think of as fun today, but I can't imagine that if you want it, the bible doesn't have it. Floods, fires, earthquakes, wars, people cutting off other peoples' foreskins, incest, smiting, pillars of salt, Romans -- "

"In the BIBLE?"

"You see? Of course there's also love songs and gardens and lots of fish, if that helps."

Aziraphael, inside the chalked-on summoning circle, crossed his legs and tilted his head at the boy. "I tell you what, if you're a good lad and read all the bits about hell and write a report on it, you can summon me back and I'll bring my friend Crowley with me. He's a bona fide demon. Thank you," he added, accepting the tea. 

"Will he want to bargain for my soul?" the boy asked hopefully. 

"He normally leaves that to underlings these days; he's sort of a big picture ma -- demon. But he has a forked tongue," he offered temptingly. "He does tricks with it."

"Oooer."

"Now, how about sending me back and when you've done your report you can summon me again, does that sound all right?"

"Okay," the boy said shyly.

"What are you going to do?"

"A report on hell."

"And no skimping. I want ten full pages double-spaced and no widening the margins, I know that trick. Times New Roman ten-point font. Black ink!"

"Yessir."

"And where are you going to get your information? NOT the Encyclopedia!"

"The bible, sir."

"There's a good lad. Send me back now and we'll forget this ever happened."

***

"Where'd you go? You were gone for ages," Crowley complained. "Something I ought to know about?"

Aziraphael glared at his sole in garlic-chutney sauce with pilaf, which promptly re-heated itself and started to steam, gently. 

"I had to assign a book report," he said loftily.


End file.
